Forgiving An Unapologetic Person

Allow me to use the clichΓ© “forgiveness isn’t for the other person, it’s for you”.

Forgiveness is hard enough as it is, even when apologetic not to mention when it’s unapologetic.

Sometimes saying sorry just isn’t enough but what happens when there are no sorries.

Growing up as a child is generally difficult, it gets even worse when you’re an overweight child growing up. That was my childhood.

There was a lot of bullying in school, church ( I know right), basically everywhere but worst of all -home.

My so called friends and family were the kings and queens of my experience with bullying.

I’d get comments like -“are you the youngest?” to which I’d answer yes, they’d laugh and add “then, why are you the biggest?” -from the so called friends of my mom.

Those where my favorite kind of comments believe it or not. The worse ones were the ones who were always advising me “reduce the junks you’re eating, if you continue like this you’ll look like a pregnant woman”. Not only were they insulting the present me the were giving future predictions!

At home there were the constant jokes by my siblings at which mom would join in the laugh.

“you look like a balloon”

“you look bloated”

Comparing me to fat animals, hippo was the worst.

My story isn’t about bullying so I won’t go into details.

Being an adult now I’ve got to make peace with those memories, they’re in my past but still bother my present. So I decided to have a talk with the friends I still have contact with and most importantly my family.

“As a child I was overweight which we all know. You all made comments which were supposedly funny but I wasn’t laughing because I was the joke. I cried myself to sleep several nights, starved myself in school…” That’s were I was cut off with sayings like-

“it was for your own good”

“you had to watch you eating habits”

“we had to do it the tough way”

“sorry but I’d do it again because it was for you”

No true remorse, none at all, some were even proud of it.

“it helped you to be self conscious”

“I didn’t need to be self conscious at that young age! I hurt every night because of all of you who supposedly loved me! I wanted to end my life. I kept a knife by me bedside for weeks for the day when I didn’t want to wake up in the morning, when I’d had enough, when I wanted to stop crying, to end it all! I certainly wasn’t feeling loved. Your ‘love’ would have been the reason for my death!” that’s what I would’ve said, they didn’t even give me a chance to talk they all just got up and carried on with their activities like there’s nothing more to say and I had to see reason.

That’s when I realized they’ll never be sorry, not like I needed or wanted or even at all.

Communication as always been the greatest weakness in my family, there was love and everything else but we never talk, it’s like it was banned. When your mom was a single mom and came home late from work, there wasn’t room for other emotions, you just have to be grateful for food, shelter, clothing.

How do I forgive these people who mean the world to me but would never realize how hurt I was?

There was only one way… I had to just let go, forgive them, release the hate, the anger, the hate wouldn’t do me any good. And I did it. It took time but I did, I did it for me, I’m gonna be a parent someday and I’ll learn from their mistakes. I’ve learnt to live life and treat people the way I’d want to be treated and the way I wish I was treated.

So yes, forgiving is hard and for someone like me that just wanted to hear the words I’m sorry and to see a genuine apologetic face, it was difficult but I did it and I’m doing it every day because it’s really for me not them.

There’s no how to for forgiveness, you just need to know it’s not in a day and not to keep dwelling on the painful memories and one day you’ll wake up and realize it’s in your past, not your present and certainly not your future.

-Art by Tiffany B Chanel

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18 thoughts on “Forgiving An Unapologetic Person

  1. I’m a little late to this post but stumbled upon it earlier and to say that you happened to strike a few chords would be somewhat of an understatement. I was always the overweight child and am still overweight today. I’m not a big fan of the “fat positivity” movement that seems to be prevalent today because I don’t want anyone to have to go through what a lot of overweight people have to go through. On the other hand, I wholeheartedly agree that the comments people make can be in poor taste, even hurtful. I would never presume to tell you to “get over it” because it just doesn’t work that way.
    But getting back to what really grabbed me about your work here is the insistence of forgiveness. There is always such a void of that that it is no wonder so many are hurting and seek to hurt who’s next in line. Is that an excuse for them? No. Do some people mean well by their comments? Sure, but even that is not always an excuse. My family fits the description you provided: a loving one that wasn’t great at communication. I have no doubt that most of them meant well but I have one sibling, to this day, who uses my weight as a weapon in arguments.
    I try to forgive as well. I’m nearing the end of a vicarage and will, God-willing, be a full-time pastor within a year. On this particular vicarage though, I had a visit with an older woman and that week I had been doing devotions on Psalm 32 (David talking about the joy of God’s forgiveness! What are the odds? πŸ˜€ ) After the visit, she evidently made a remark that I was not going to succeed because I am “too fat to be a pastor.” We heard this secondhand. The supervising pastor went full-dad mode and it offended him greatly. He was visibly upset. I just laughed. That was the same tactics my sibling and others have used and will undoubtedly always use. They had nothing on me except that I was fat. Sure, they can lean on that if they wish but if that’s their argument, I’ve already won.
    I greatly appreciated your post and I apologize for the long-winded and late reply. Just know there are many others like you and me in the world. We all have different stories but they are all the same too. We have to forgive and we have to keep pushing forward. I hope you can find comfort and peace and continue to forgive those who wrong you. Forgiveness is a far sharper weapon than any knife by your bed. Keep up the good writing and God bless.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re not late, even if this reply had come in next year, I would still be glad to read it.

      Yes, the whole story was leading to forgiveness.

      I also have that one sibling πŸ˜‚
      Psalms is definitely my favorite book of the Bible.

      “too fat to be a pastor ” you should have told her your spirit is slim enough. Whenever people try to hurt me or get me offended, I do the complete opposite. I turn it around by laughing, making a joke or simply agreeing with whatever it is that they say. Sometimes I compliment them.

      “you’re fat”
      “yes I am, your stature though is just beautiful”
      “you’re so fat, you’d probably break the alter”
      “I probably would, I guess we’ll call it a ground breaking service ”

      Eventually they get frustrated that I’m not offended by them and they leave me.

      My sister used to use my being fat as a weapon too, but one day when we were just talking she said, “she was actually jealous of my confidence and she wishes she had it too”
      When you’re happy with yourself, people would have to too. Most would even be jealous of you.

      We live in a world where everyone is insecure, trust me loosing weight doesn’t have anything to do with feeling better about yourself (I know).

      I love your long comment, it’s what I always look forward to (the comments) The longer the better. I hope you can tolerate my long reply.πŸ˜‚

      Ah! Yes I’m definitely over the knife thing, I didn’t realize I had forgiving them until this post.

      Thank you for your compliments, I’m truly thankful. ❀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am glad you are doing well and are able to have a sense of humor as well. Life is too short not to laugh, we all just need to learn not to laugh at each other but with each other.
        Also, the long reply seemed short πŸ˜‰ I look forward to reading more of your work on this site. πŸ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

  2. That was a good post. I appreciate what you said and how you feel. I do not understand how anyone but especially families think they are doing what is right and so many do it; mine did. I agree with you when you say you are the one who benefits from forgiving them.

    Like

      1. Sometimes, like a broomstick through the spokes of a bicycle wheel, they can make us flip and eat pavement. Then we have to get up again and ride like hell to catch up in the race, if we ever can.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I am sorry that the ones whom you loved could not accept that their actions damaged your childhood.
    I can relate to the put down approach “love”
    I do not remember a day where my dad didn’t say one or more of the following statements
    “What are you – Stupid”
    “You are so stupid”
    “You are worthless”
    “You’re an idiot”
    and so many others. I was so damaging to me that at “9 I became anorexic… Which evolved to life threatening, and remained active for 36 years,13 I began self harming. By 15 extremely suicidal, by 16 there was 5 weeks in a psych ward for an attempted suicide.

    Growing up this way, just as what you said about treating your children differently…
    when I had my children I did nearly everything that was the opposite.
    I also told my dad that if he ever called my kids stupid or anything derogatory – he would never seen us again. And he never did.
    I went through a process of understanding that I was making positive changes, which is awesome and couldn’t change the past. In addition I had to go through a grieving process to let go of ever wanting them to change for me. I grieved the need of wanting them to change or say they were sorry.
    But I also had to grieve my idea of what a parent should be and let it go, because it would never be.
    Thank you for this post. Stay positive

    Liked by 1 person

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