Sleepover Esther

Self blame is a terrible feeling, sadly a lot of sexually abused victims are more than acquainted with it.

“that was a stupid move”

“I shouldn’t have followed him”

“I should have fought harder”

“why did I freeze?, I let him have his way”

Even with the arrest of the sexual abusers, the mental damage has still been done. If anything it adds to it. The tests, identification, the process makes it all so real. The therapy doesn’t erase it. You never truly forget, but the blame is something that eases up with time. I was having a sleepover, we stumbled upon a movie which included a rape scene. I’ve always disliked watching or reading things that involved sexual harassment, they made me feel somehow exposed…naked.

She was 16yrs

He was her teacher.

She lived on the same street as him.

He said he needed an extra hand with some scripts.

She was uncomfortable.

She didn’t want to go but he promised to run her through her mistakes and spun some educational reason.

She agreed despite being uncomfortable with it.

He opened the door.

she walked in.

Then he locked it…

She didn’t get out until he was done…

At that point I was in tears. Your ignorant lips said it was her fault.

why did she go when she was uncomfortable?

didn’t she see the signs?

You uttered the same words I had told myself, the same words that made me consider being quiet. You said it without a thought, without considering the fact that she was already blaming herself. But even if you hadn’t said it she still felt stupid, like she should have seen the signs, she should have followed her gut feelings. Your insensitivity towards her is the reason why we don’t truly talk. If you showed her no mercy and looked at her with those eyes, the same eyes you used to tell me it wasn’t my fault… I can’t help but question the meaning they held.

There will be people like Sleepover Esther who mean well but don’t know just how deep their words cut. They shouldn’t keep you quiet, don’t let them shun you. In case you haven’t heard it yet or you haven’t heard it in a while

It wasn’t your fault.

You’re not alone.

-Art By Mcptato


9 thoughts on “Sleepover Esther

  1. God bless you and give you strength Esther.. If ever you need a reason, a reminder to help you get through such moments of self-doubt and blaming yourself, know that we’re always right here with you..

    Liked by 1 person

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